Family Meetings

Family Meetings

Uncle Paulie comes from an educated family.  His father is a doctor of something in education and his mother has 83 university degrees.  Uncle Paulie told me his family had meetings when he was growing up and they still have meetings now that he is a father himself.  I look to people I admire to follow their customs. 

Our first family meeting started in our living room on a Saturday morning.  You boys were in your pajamas still.  We sat down and I started, “OK, the first Murphy Family meeting is underway.  Everybody gets a chance to talk.  When somebody else is talking please pay attention.  No talking while somebody else is talking.”

           

Ben jumps in, “Papa, can I eat a cookie?”

           

Benny, you are the food guy.  You are the one for whom who I leave bananas on the table.  You are the reason we stored cookies and chocolate low in the cupboards for ease of access.  You love fruit and I love that you love fruit.

           

You make me smile and you make me proud.

           

“OK, there is a motion on the floor.  Ben would like refreshments served during the meetings.  “Mama, what do you think?”  “Should we serve refreshments during the meetings?”

           

You both waited with hopeful expectation.

           

Mama said, “I vote yes for food.”

           

Ben went to get cookies and he passed them out.  “Papa, what about a juice box?”

           

“Motion on the floor for beverages?”

           

Hands shoot up and Ian gets the juice boxes.

The first five minutes of our first family meeting and you both felt empowered.  You asked, you were listened to, you were responded to in a reasonable manner and everybody got what they wanted.  This is a custom a family nurtures.

I started again knowing that our first joint family decision had been made: “OK, food and drink will be served at the meetings.”  We had accomplished an effective avenue of communication.

Everyone spoke and everyone was listened to.  We mapped out our lives and the coming weeks ahead with birthdays and holidays and visits to family.  Children, as well as adults need a clear vision of the future.  They can mentally prepare for school and prepare for Thanksgiving and a kid’s party. 

Meetings maintain communication and provide the forum to address individual and familial goals and objectives.  What are we working on personally?

Ian is hitting Ben, Ben is not eating dinner, both are dragging bottoms in the morning, it is too dangerous for Ian to wake up in the darkness and stumble half asleep down the stairs to sleep with papa in the basement.   These were our issues that we worked to improve.  Improvement was noted and appreciated and new goals were set and as new challenges presented themselves, we would continue refining our personal development as a community of learners.

Family Meetings were impromptu and any member off the family could call for a family meeting.

After Hannah was born Mama did not participate in Family Meetings.  It was a downfall for us all that one of our members no longer bought in.  We still held the meetings.  We still addressed needs and goals but we had lost our queen.

After 16 months of separation the courts allowed me to have contact with you in April of 2012.  We were permitted supervised visits of 50 minutes every Wednesday afternoon, for four consecutive weeks.  I brought sweatshirts and toothbrushes, balls and a Princess Hairbrush set with a magic wand.  Hair scrunchies, strawberries, bananas, pizza and plantains with plain M and M’s because Bemmy is allergic to peanuts.

We met in the run down room in the Social Services Department on the first floor of the court building.  It was a small windowless rectangle with carpetless concrete floors, pale green walls and dirty broken toys.  I brought Ian’s blue “Cars” sleeping bag and Bennyboy’s black one.  I spread them on the floor in an attempt to make the environment as comfortable as possible.

Green Eggs and Ham came with us but having to simultaneous translate into Spanish robbed the magic.  I started it in English but the psychologist taking exact notes cleared her throat and shook her head to remind me that this meeting is in Spanish only.

We sat on the floor and had our first family meeting in over a year and a half.  The next time I see you we will have another family meeting.

Ian’s first question during the family meeting:  “Did you bring the bikes?”

It was a beautiful question.  The most important thing on his mind was his bicycle.  He didn’t have a bicycle in Costa Rica or he had one and it has a flat and it will never get fixed until he finds a miracle or figures it out himself without adult supervision and can get the money to buy the materials.  Otherwise, that broken bicycle will rot in its place.

“No, I didn’t bring the bicycles Ian.  I couldn't take our things in a big container.  I had to sell and give away our things.  Don’t you have a bicycle here?  “No, it is broken.”

Next question was Ben:   Papa tiene mucha plata porque mama no tiene (Papa do you have a lot of money because mama doesn't have any?)

My boy, 4 years old, worried about finances and the reality of that early introduction into the economic status of the family and the worries that come along with that knowledge startled me.  What was mama saying about money, I wondered to myself.

I felt the psychologist twitch as she wrote down the question and I gauged my answer and looked about how to tack on this one.  “I have enough money for everyone Ben.  You don’t have to worry about money.  That is an adult issue.  You work hard in school.  That is your job.”

“OK, did you bring the rope?” Ian asked.  It sounded like he was planning a prison break and I for one was inclined to entertain to ideas on the matter. 

“Yes, I have the rope but I didn’t bring it with me today.”

Ian’s knot tying mind was satisfied with that answer.  He would have rope in his life again and with some luck the bikes were at least in the picture.  Since you were three, Ian, you had a facility with making knots and bends and bindings.

I love knots.  I have studied knots.  I have three books on knots and one is in Spanish, so I taught you how to make a few loops and a few twists.  Ian, my son, your mind is far more advanced than mine on the concept of bends and knots.

I went into the small hall closet when you were five.  Next to the vacuum and among the dusty shoes was a broom stick with a knot tied neatly with a loop for handle.  I know I didn’t (and couldn't) make that knot.   Making fast a rope to a slick round peace of wood so that the rope does not slip is a complicated procedure.  It is not a simple knot.  I took the broom stick to mama because mama has many latent talents that come from her culture.  Mama surprised me on many occasion with her unique skill set.

I doubted she could make that knot and she didn’t.  You made that knot.

You created an advanced knot from your head.  The handled didn’t slip at all with pressure applied from top or bottom.  It was like a miracle to me.  I found two sticks tied together in the basement a few weeks later.  Again, it was a knot that I would have needed time and a book to make.

Your request for rope was a request for mental challenges and the bikes were your freedom. 

When I got back to Jaco I bought one bicycle and Tio Marcelo gave his small bicycle to Ben as a gift.  It is a cool little beach cruiser.  It is in Jaco Ben.  You never got to see those bikes.  Ian, you had a bigger beach cruiser with a basket but that bike got stolen.  You never got to ride it anyway.

A year has past since our last Family Meeting.  We have not been legally permitted to see each other or speak to each other during that lapse of our lives.  There is no communication.  You are sequestered by your mother and she is supported by the “Justice System.”  I can only look forward to our next Family Meeting.  It will take place some day in the future when I am again allowed to be your father.  I will bring the cookies and the drinks.